Yeah, but can I fuck it?
Published by punkass marc May 12th, 2006 in Punkass!, SexYea, verily, since the beginning of time, guys have been inserting their penises places they probably shouldn’t. Whether it be out of curiosity, intent to dominate, kinky desire, or sheer idiocy, men have injured or embarrassed themselves in urban-legendary ways for the sake of a quick release. Given how easy it is for most of us to achieve a state of personal satisfaction, this risk seems unnecessary. Shouldn’t we just use the palms and cleanup towels God gave us and be done with it?
Apparently not.
The concept of “male sex toy” is still personally foreign to many of us, but a number of them have gained fame over the last few years as a legitimate alternative to using your hands or an alter boy for gratification. I guess what I want to know is, which, if any, of these should it be okay for me to hump?
[In case you can't tell, a graphic discussion of hawt sexx -- er, well, naughty masturbation -- follows. Links are risky if you're at work, too. You have been warned.]
To put it another way, is there an equivalent to the dildo for men?
Now let me back up a moment. I am not dismissing the stigmatization of masturbation-for-pleasure that the patriarchy imposes on women. Insecurity’s a bitch, and the patriarchy has it in spades. All I mean to say is that, in the right company, any of us can make a vibrator or dildo joke or admit to using them and not be thought a cad. I can’t think of any company in which I could say, “I was jammin’ away in the Vaginator 3000 the other day and it shocked me half to death!” Most people would find it a teensy bit uncool I copulate with anything that’s ever been shrink-wrapped. I know I would probably tease a friend who ‘fessed up about it (then again, I am, as you know, a real punkass).
I’ve never used a male sex toy, and I’m sure at least part of that is due to the expected shame I would feel at rogering something inanimate, especially if it was molded in the shape of some other person’s body part(s). But maybe I shouldn’t feel that shame for all toys. Maybe there’s some kind of pleasure device I should be able to fuck and joke about fucking that wouldn’t immediately make me a f-r-e-a-k.
For me, at least, that toy is definitely _not_ a RealDoll, those carefully sculpted rubber fembots we’ve all had a laugh/shudder about recently. Salon defended their use, or at least portrayed it in a sympathetic light (while also creeping the shit out of me), and Elena Dorfman created an intimate photo exhibit of lovers and their dolls. I’ll let Ms. Dorfman explain why I can have a legitimate beef with the use of RealDolls:
The same themes that informed the past continue to inform the present. Woman is the seductress - both irresistible and vile. Man despises himself for being unable to resist the sexual attraction woman inspires in him and to escape this trap, men turn to divine mechanics and resort to science to create the ultimate flesh - synthetic women that are more satisfying, both sexually and psychologically, than their flesh and bone counterparts.
Now, some of the use cases Salon describes aren’t about escape, but I believe the majority are. It seems more about replacing sex with a partner than enhancing masturbation. At the very least, RealDolls certainly seem to promote the idea of woman-as-personal-sex-toy, a thing for you to fuck whenever you feel like it. Maybe there are feminist supporters out there who could tag a RealDoll and maintain some sense of dignity, but that ain’t me.
What about a sex toy that’s only a partial replica of the human body? After all, lots of dildos look very much like a penis. Maybe I should be able to fuck a replicated mouth or vagina or butt, or perhaps a very deep bellybutton.
Well, for $146.99, I can buy my very own “Brianna Banks Vibrating Pussy & Ass.” I’ll let some of the site’s actual testimonials introduce you to the latest in sim-sex:
Jerry 4396: Feels pretty good but it is a very tight toy. Good for hands free action & nice size too. I found mine to be too tight so I made the canal larger with a curling iron set to high.
Anonymous: This is a great pussy and ass. It is best when you soak it in hot water before using it.
Adam from Iowa: I have a lot of fake vaginas, and I love this one. She feels so real you wont beleieve if is fake.This one makes me cum really hard. Better than my girlrfriend.
Anonymous: The best toy I ever bought. The only problem was it starts to rip like all the others within a few weeks. The anal is very durable and started to rip also but it didn’t rip as fast and hasn’t continue ripping yet.
I just… I dunno. I mean, the damn thing has fake pubic hair. It looks like a dismembered pelvis, what with the way it’s cut off at the legs and stomach. People customize it with a curling iron. I have to pass.
So what’s a guy to fuck? Well, what about a Fleshlight?
Yeah, somebody honestly made a toy called the Fleshlight, and for those of you who can’t click on the link just yet, rest assured it’s exactly as you imagine: it’s a flashlight body with a rubber insert made just for sexifying.
You can order the Fleshlight in mouth, anus, vagina, or “non-descript” [think coin slot] opening. You can order pink, “mocha,” or “ice” [clear]. The tunnel can be a “Wonder Wave, Super-Ribbed, Speed Bump, Super Tight,” you name it. Customization options abound.
They even offer a helpful how-to video for putting it together and washing it after you’re done. I’m not sure why the female model in the video keeps threatening to take her top off while demo-ing it for us, but I guess the focus groups have spoken.
I think the ‘light is taking off, too. It was really easy to find huge user groups built around the enjoyment of Fleshlights. Could this be the sex toy answer?
In many ways, one could argue it is. It’s not necessarily gender specific; in fact, many heterosexual clients complain the mouth is too mannish. You can have sex with a fake vagina, sure, but the anus is more gender-neutral, like the mouth, and the coin slot’s perfect for vending machine fans. Having sex with a Fleshlight is not an automatic objectification of the female body.
But let’s say a guy prefers the vagina model. This seems far less uncomfortable to me than fucking something with fake pubic hair or legs and arms; the Fleshlight has boiled down the toy to the abstract concept of a vagina and the sensations one provides. I would never presume to know what goes on in a woman’s mind during masturbation, but I’m guessing that if one chooses to use a dildo, the abstract sensation of penetration is desired and the toy provides it. I think the Fleshlight is intended to do the same — it is designed to simulate penetration. Like dildos, you can buy one that looks a bit like a body part [in this case, it has vaginal lips around the opening], or not. You can get it with funky little bumps on/in it, or not.
If there were ever a toy a guy should probably feel comfortable fucking, the Fleshlight might be it. Why, just check out Fleshlight Videos, an “instructional site” for men where you can learn to be like Morty and friends:
Morty goes for workout 101, using his FLeshlight and exercise ball at the same time in this AMAZING video! - 20.6mb
Morty and Floo and Goatman may not actually be filming Fleshlight sex to teach me anything (anything I want to be taught, anyway), but I have learned one lesson: If something can be fucked, there’s a big community of creepy dudes that are way too into it.
Still, that shouldn’t disqualify the ‘light from consideration. If it feels good, replicates penetration with minimal objectification or mind-warping, and can be used safely, I say go forth and sex one up.
I don’t know that the Fleshlight could actually remain sanitary for long. I doubt I would ever feel comfortable using one. But if a man is looking for a sex toy with less guilt or shame attached to it, he might try the Fleshlight.
Maybe he can convince the rest of us it isn’t so lame.
I think what bugs people out is the idea of someone just sort of humping a toy. Dildos are probably less threatening because they’re less passive.
I will note that states looking to ban masturbatory aids go for sex toys, which are primarily female-oriented, and not porn, which is usually geared towards men. Female masturbation as it’s generally practiced is more threatening.
You make a pretty good point. I would expect a guy I was fucking to be OK with any dildos I owned, even some crazy gigantic-penis one, on the other hand, finding Brianna’s ass under a guy’s bed would be a huge red-flag for me, far more than if I had found a stack of pornography, and certainly light-years past the brief, kind of funny awkwardness of finding say, lotion and tissues.
The Fleshlight does have the advantage of not being so terribly creepy, and it also shares the psuedo-discretion factor of toys like the I Rub My Ducky or lipstick vibes.
Whatever you do, don’t obtain yourself a Christian virgin for fucking.
“I have learned one lesson: If something can be fucked, there’s a big community of creepy dudes that are way too into it.”
Damn, that’s just far,far too funny.
for a long time i felt the same way, until i felt a fleshlight in real life at babeland in nyc. it honestly felt so real, i knew i had to get one. i’m now a proud owner of four of them (in all different textures), and i use them almost every day. you are truly missing out if you don’t get one!
Wow, there really is something to that whole thing about supposedly anonymous people getting paid to shill products on blogs.
The best thing is to steal a young womans body that has recently passed away. If you just saw off the legs and the torso, just keeping the ass and pussy and part of the legs. Then store in fromaldihide. When you feel like a fuck, pull it out and dry it off a little. You can then fuck this thing all day and she won’t complain..
Jojie, I’m only approving your comment to let everyone else know where we draw some lines around here. Your future comments should be less stomach churning if you expect them to make it past moderation.
Well, I believe Jojie proves pretty much every theory about the internet that ever existed, namely that its a collection of a few reasonable people, and also a collection of a HUGE amount of people without brains or souls.
I apologize for my previous comment. I was just trying to be a little humorous. I myself have never actually done that. I think what women need to understand sometimes is that us guys simply just want the easiest way to blow our loads now and then. We don’t give a shit about “foreplay” or that “making love” crap. If women would just drop thier panties and spread thier legs more often we would not even be having this conversation.
Now that’s the kind of attitude that gets me all wet.
By the way, I agree with you that casual sex is a wonderful pastime. I might suggest less demanding and more subtlety as a possible strategy for you in obtaining same.
We don’t give a shit about “foreplay” or that “making love” crap. If women would just drop thier panties and spread thier legs more often we would not even be having this conversation.
If there’s some kind of secret Real Guy agenda that has all this crap on it, my boyfriend is not getting it. The mailman must be stashing his copies in the same garbage can he puts my copies of the feminist agenda in. Not that I’m complaining.
Kyso, I’m guessing your boyfriend realizes that wanting to get your partner off is a more efficacious way to get laid than demanding that they get you off without expecting any reciprocation.
Well, I don’t mean to brag about how enlightened and feminist my guy is, but he is really into it when the person he’s screwing makes some effort to reciprocate, and the very term ‘mild vaginal bleeding’ makes him uncomfortable. So I think he finds that going the extra mile and making out a bit before hand well worth the effort. Jojie should take note of this mysterious technique.
Remember kids, a well-lubricated vagina is a happy vagina, and happy vaginas can persuade those flesh bags that they’re stuck in to be more agreeable about dropping those panties in the future. It only takes a few minutes to do, and since it’s a few minutes in which you are writhing around naked with someone who is going to have sex with you, running your hands up and down each others naked bodies, it hardly seems like too much to ask.
we would not even be having this conversation.
It appears you mistake the level of discourse we wish to give you. This isn’t a conversation so much as it is pointing and laughing…and spewing…
hey, how come you forgot about the real he-man idiot’s favourite toy a.k.a. thee good ole vacuum cleaner
btw some women don’t seem less creative either, eg the one arriving at the emergency in order to have her pet snake removed, cause of, y’know, the scales, as a registered nurse once told me — obviously not a one-off either
(do not worry, text links only)
I have a comment regarding the “Remember kids, a well-lubricated vagina is a happy vagina” quote. All you need here is some sort of lubricant like margarine or vaseline. Just stuff it in her pussy and start pumpin’. She needs to clean up after she gets a wad of cum dumped inside here anyhow, and then you can get back to the football game…
If men did not have the need to cum, women would be at the pit of society. Maybe to pump out kids for those foolish enough to want them in this god-forsaken world, or slaving over a hot stove with a broom in one hand and a mop in the other.
…and spewing…
…and spewing…
…and spewing…
Jojie’s cute. Don’t feed the parody, Jack.
Why did Jojie become so unpleasant? I thought we were all getting along.
Also, Jojie, if you really dislike women that much, there are other ways to get off.
There really is a totally different class of troll here, compared to Pandagon… (sorry Marc/Kyso…)
Can we paint the walls, change the carpet, get new furniture, etc., to attract a higher class of troll?…
What we really need is to McBoing this place up a bit. And I miss R. Mildred.
Well…i think im buying it for my boyfriend..maybe then he’ll leave me alone
Well…i think im buying it for my boyfriend..maybe then he’ll leave me alone
I assume you’re only leaving this sad comment on a dead thread so that someone will see it and tell you to dump the motherfucker already (DTMFA (c)Dan Savage). If you want him to leave you alone, then instead of buying him a present, tell him to leave. That frees you up for meeting someone you might actually want to have in your life.
Hey, that’s a great ad campaign for Fleshlight! “Want to break up with an asshole, but can’t quite summon up the words? Let the Fleshlight do the talking! Nothing says “Fuck off” like vagina in a can!”