Dearest San Francisco youth,
I do hope this textual message finds u in good health. Of course, it is imperative we make every effort 2 maintain ur well-being, don’t you agree? Surely u do. As such, I should like 2 broach a delicate subject: sexual relations and their accompanying risks.
Now, I’m sure many of u upstanding chaps and ladies are hormonally inclined 2 experiment with various states of physical commingling. This is only 2 natural, after all. 2 learn more about responsible participation in these activities, CNS News and I would like 2 alert u 2 a new cell phone service available in ur area:
“SexInfo is remarkably innovative, timely and addresses a key way young people today access information,” Dr. Jeffrey Klausner, DPH’s director of sexually transmitted disease (STD) prevention and control said in a press release. “It will make it easier for young people to get tested and treated quickly for these types of infections.”
The SexInfo service allows users to seek information on topics, phrased in the typical short-hand misspelling of mobile telephone text messaging: “SEXINFO: reply with code for answrs. ‘A1′ if ur condom broke ‘B2′ if u think ur pregnant ‘C3′ to find out about STDs ‘D4′ to find out about HIV More ?’s txt ‘Q5.’”
Bravo!
Forgive my exuberance, but I take great heart in knowing lads and lasses facing difficult decisions may now find solace in the warm bosom of Mother Education. Er, Mother Educationz0rz.
Any mobile telephone user, regardless of their age, can ask, for instance, what they should do “if ur not sure u want 2 have sex.”
“SEXINFO: it’s ur choice to have sex or not get informed B4 u decide.”
Indeed it is. Thank you, SexInfo! Have u any more helpful advice 4 me?
“SEXINFO: b smart. use condoms. get STD checkups every 6 months. And talk 2 ur partner about sex. Tell ‘em what u like + what u don’t. have fun+stay safe!”
Talking frankly about sex can be mortifying 4 some Brits, but as I understand it, u Americans have diarrhea of the mouth about it. Perhaps if the Queen was kind enough 2 offer such a positive message 2 our populace, we, too, could explain 2 one another where we hope 2 insert our throbbing scepters or how we prefer 2 have our happy buttons rubbed.
2 be fair, though, there is some concern that this sort of discussion can be a corrupting influence:
Carrie Gordon Earll, spokeswoman for Focus on the Family, told Cybercast News Service that she is not surprised that a public health agency is promoting sex to children and teens.
“You’ve got your typical ‘sex is for recreation’ mentality, coupled with ‘condoms will protect you,’ which we know is not always the case and that they’re not always used or used correctly,” Earll noted, “and, then, ‘let’s leave your parents out of this and make sure that this is just between you and the health department.’”
Yes, right! Jolly good logic, that! Why augment any parental education with an additional resource or provide useful aid 2 those whose parents refuse to discuss intercourse honestly? As condoms do a rubbish job of preventing every single disease or pregnancy, it does seem foolish to encourage their use, does it not? Better to say nothing at all about them, or copulation in general, and safely assume that teenagers shall go about not having sex at all, just as they have always not done since the dawn of humanity. Ah, the power of American optimism!
I daresay none of you teenagers will hear about, think about, or desire sex for the first time as a result of an interaction with poorly formed half-sentences on the screen of your cellular telephone device. Nor do I expect a reminder to educate urself, protect urself, and communicate with potential partners to send u spiraling n2 participation in Satanic death sex orgy cults.
So go forth and text with gusto, young San Franciscans. I promise ur finger shan’t grow any additional hair if u do.
Yours,
Pr0f3ssor T3xt