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Do not be fooled.

John McCain is not a centrist. He is not a maverick. He is not going to think for himself.

To insure victory in 2008, McCain is fondling the religious right, and the fundies hold their candidates to their promises or else.

It’s kind of like the Godfather. They’ll help you get elected, and one day — and that day may never come [except it totally will] — they may ask you for a favor. And by a favor they mean giving them total and complete control over the American crotch.

The fundies also know that they increase their odds of success by banking off McCain’s indie cred to capture the spineless centrists who want “fresh blood” to come in and right the American ship ["not too right, just, you know, lower taxes since I overspent on my McMansion and Tahoe and Nikes for my 2-year-old"]. Unfortunately, the wingnuts are already spinning their hypno rings in the press to try and have it both ways.

Take, for example, yesterday’s Washington Post column from National Review cockroach Byron York:

Next weekend, the senator will travel to Lynchburg, Va., to deliver the commencement address at Falwell’s Liberty University — setting off intense speculation that he is pandering to the right in an effort to secure the Republican nomination. “Are you freaking out on us?” asked Jon Stewart, host of “The Daily Show” and an avowed McCain admirer. “Are you going into the crazy-base world?”

No, he isn’t. Falwell approached McCain, not the other way around. And interviews with both suggest that it is Falwell, not McCain, who is more willing to be flexible.

Translation: Relax, moderates. He’s making the fascist Christian lunatics come to you. Promise. Now, please, stop reading, because you feel better already. I’ll just keep talking for all the fundies who might be alarmed — but I promise I won’t contradict myself. So run along, centrists! Nothing else to see here.

“I made it clear that I wanted to talk to him about the future, not the past,” Falwell told me. “It took about five minutes in the meeting to bury all our little differences of six years ago, and then we talked about the future.”

Translation: [silence] Okay, are they gone? Sweet. Now it’s just us ‘nutjobs. Anyway, Falwell’s on board, and nobody loves to be a hardass like Crybaby Jerry, so you know McCain’s really made some juicy promises to assuage his ego, or at least prevent him from tearing up.

Theirs is a reconciliation based on mutual need. For his part, McCain needs the support of at least some Christian conservatives. Even though they aren’t as organized as they used to be — just look at the greatly weakened Christian Coalition — they’re still powerful in states such as South Carolina, and they still respect Falwell. “You’d have real problems winning if they didn’t support you,” Woodard says. “And if they’re united against you, you’re in trouble.”

Translation: In case those damn weeble-wobblers in the middle are still reading, I’ll pretend like the Christian right isn’t totally dominating all political discourse in this country and simultaneously managing to wage war on choice, contraception, gay marriage, and the Iraqi and Iranian people. We’re weak, I tell you, weak! Oh, but if you don’t have our vote, you might as well be dead.

“When a guy who called you an agent of intolerance comes down and kisses the ring, it’s both a symbolic and a substantive gesture that you and the constituency you represent are vital,” says one GOP strategist. “That’s never a bad signal to send.”

Translation: We aren’t kidding. Falwell really is like the Godfather, even if the real Godfather slapped Johnny Fontaine for crying.

There has been much discussion about McCain changing his positions to win the support of conservative Republicans. But the senator — antiabortion, pro-traditional marriage, pro-war, pro-fiscal responsibility — doesn’t need to change his positions. Rather, he must convince conservatives that he really means them.

Translation: See, JesusFreaks, it was actually that crap about his independent thinking that was the fluke. This guy’s always been one of us. Gabba, gabba.

Many Christian conservatives seem willing to give McCain another chance, but they’re wary. They worry that despite his solid voting record against abortion rights, he is not deep-down, unwaveringly on their side. “They’re going to say, ‘You’re pro-life? Let’s talk. What about stem-cell research?’ ” Woodard says. “They’ll say, ‘You’re a Republican, you’re pro-life — well, we kind of expect that. Tell us about the depth of your conviction.’ “

Translation: You’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore.

As an unannounced candidate, McCain now speaks mostly in generalities. But when talking to conservative Republicans, he pushes the right buttons to assure them that he’s on their side on abortion and other cultural issues.
…
“He said it primarily by just talking about why John Roberts and Samuel Alito were ideal choices,” Wynn said. “He sings their praises to a high pitch; it’s kind of two and two equals four; you certainly get the idea that these are the kind of people he would nominate.”

Translation: He’s a complete fucking liar, but he has to lie to the casual American so us hardcore patriots can fleece them one more time. And when he doesn’t have Alito’s balls in his mouth, all McCain does is talk about how good they taste, so he’s on the level [with us, not with them].

McCain says he will vote against FMA because he doesn’t believe marriage should be a nationwide issue — at least not now. “I’m a federalist,” he told me. “I believe that a state ought to decide what happens within that state. I’ve always held that position on a broad variety of issues.”

Translation: He hates gays, he just doesn’t hate states. Unless they’re gay. We’re looking at you, California.

On other issues important to the GOP’s conservative base, there’s no need for much finesse. McCain is a hawk’s hawk on Iraq and has essentially promised to be the last man standing in favor of the war there. “The consequences of failure are so catastrophic that the challenges to our security over time are hard to imagine,” he told me.

Translation: Rest assured those annoying little brats will be out of your house and in the middle of an Iraqi minefield before you can say “clean your room.” That’ll teach them some discipline. Of course, if you don’t want to send your children, that’s cool; we’ll just grab those grubby little poor kids Austin and Kaitlyn are always trying to bring home instead.

On immigration, McCain probably will satisfy conservatives when he advocates building “not a fence, but a wall” along high-traffic areas of the U.S. border with Mexico — and disappoint them when he advocates, along with Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), a program of near-amnesty for illegal immigrants already here. That could hurt him badly with a Republican electorate that wants tough enforcement combined with no amnesty. But McCain might be saved by the fact that, at least so far, there’s no GOP candidate with a position that satisfies the great majority of Republicans.

Translation: [in South Park Saddam Hussein voice] Relax, guy! If you’re a ‘nutjob, concentrate on the wall part. If you’re anyone else, well, we invoked Edward Kennedy, didn’t we?

The remarkable thing at this point is that McCain even has a chance to win over the conservatives who opposed him so strongly — and who found themselves on the receiving end of his anger — six years ago. They like much of what they hear from him, and they value the loyalty he showed in 2004 when he campaigned hard for Bush’s reelection.
…
“I think people are willing to give him a fresh look,” Wynn told me. “People have walked out of those meetings [with McCain] feeling better than they thought they would feel when they went in. I think people are very open-minded.”

Translation: Everyone except John McCain, we promise.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 8th, 2006 at 8:31 am and is filed under Punkass!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.