I’d like to think that McDonald’s — well, I’d like to think that McDonald’s would be proof enough that there is no god. Joining our fine admistration, Mickey D’s recently announced it’s on the warpath:
“This is the face of the enemy over the next 18 months,” correspondence recently distributed to McDonald’s Corp.’s franchisees asserts, in highlighting a series of potential problems.
Huh. To find out what face the nation’s food-folks-and-friendliest fast food empire could find so threatening, I went straight to the source, McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner… by which I mean I made up an interview with him.
punkass marc: Thanks for [not] joining me, Jim.
Jim Skinner: Thanks for [in no way shape or form] talking to me, Marc.
marc: So, the war talk. Sounds like you guys are getting serious about fighting injustice in the world.
Jim: You bet. We have to strike back at those who would destroy our way of life.
marc: Awesome. So when do we go get him?
Jim: Him?
marc: Yeah, this guy:
Jim: We’d love to join the fight on terror, Marc, we would. But we exploit — er, provide advancement opportunies to — too many illegal and/or disabled workers to provide much of a fighting force. Our special sauce alchemists are exploring the prospect of converting fry grease into oil, though, so stay tuned for that.
marc: Will do. Forgetting the enemy abroad, then, I assume you’re concerned about faces like these:
Jim: I’m sorry, all I see there is the smiling face of a once and future customer.
marc: That’s funny, I see a heart disease patient who’s lucky to be alive. I assume McDonald’s has finally decided to take on the silent killer of millions.
Jim: Er, no, not exactly.
marc: Right, silly me. How about this face, then:
Has McDonald’s committed to tackle the inhumane feedlot crisis?
Jim: I said the face of the enemy, Marc. That’s the face of delicious.
marc: Okay, how about this one:
This face is responsible for exposing the cruel chain of animal and human abuse behind your grossly irresponsible menu. Are you considering a smear campaign or leaving a cow’s head under his sheets?
Jim: Eric Schlosser hates America and makes my children cry at night. Okay, my drinking makes my children cry at night, but also the horrible images that he’s poisoning their impressionable minds with. That’s the real cruelty, Marc. Won’t somebody think of the children?
marc: Amen. So that’s the face, then.
Jim: Unfortunately, no. But we are thinking about publishing a fake interview with him so we can smear the hell out of his name.
marc: Tough for me to take issue with that, eh? Okay, I give up. Please show me the face of the enemy.
Jim: Behold:
marc: …Little girls are the enemy.
Jim: That “little girl” is 37 years old. And she’s pure evil.
marc: I don’t follow.
Jim: Square hamburgers, Marc. Think about that for a moment.
marc: “Wendy” is the enemy?
Jim: Damn right. She’s ruining the industry with her geometrical tyranny. What’s next? Hexagonal cups? Trapezoidal happy meal boxes? Someone has to stop her. And that someone is us.
marc: Uh-huh. Thank god you’ve got your priorities straight, Jimbo. I’d hate to think what would happen to the industry if you didn’t. So, listen, I have one more question for you before you go. What the fuck is up with this ad:
Jim: Focus group research shows that associating the phrase “go to McDonald’s” with “doing it” will get people to go to McDonald’s.
marc: Yeah, but you imply that the mother “goes to McDonald’s” with her infant son.
Jim: We also imply that she prefers sex with her child to sex with other men her age and that those men are both relieved they don’t have to have sex with a single mother and a tiny bit turned on by the thought of her sleeping with her kid. Your point?
[awkward silence]
marc: Keep up the good work, Jim. We’re all rooting for you.
Niiiiccceeee! I thought McDonald’s had hit new heights of offensiveness with thier original spat of “I’m lovin’ it” radio jingles. Perhaps you remember them. There was one for men, one for women (specifically suburban moms), one for black people, and a couple of others, and they all boiled down to the same message: “I’m an offensive one-dimensional stereotype, and I love McDonald’s food.”
But this, this is a new level of creepy.
She also seems to be about 13, which adds to the creepy.
One could even argue McDonald’s is also making an anti-choice statement with the ad by showing teenage girls how cool they’ll look toting around a child, perhaps as a way to keep off the pounds from the copious amount of trans fat they ingest via their products.
oh, and I loe Eric Schlosser’s book. It single-handedly got me to stop eating fast food for over a year, and now my tolerance for it is so freaking low. Another good book is a newer one called Omnivore’s Dilemma, which is not focused on fast food, but does containt alot of information about where our beef comes from.
remember the controversy over the mcdonald’s ‘i’d hit it’ online ads where they showed a cheeseburger and then a guy saying ‘i’d hit it’? they seem to have a lot of misguided ideas about sex.
“I’d hit it, I’m a dollar menu guy”?
So many levels of wrong, so little time.
“I’d hit it, I’m a dollar menu guy.” I love it!
It’s like McDonald’s execs hear their kids say something and they try to co-opt it without knowing what it actually means.
“For sheezy, my beefy cheesy!”
“Skeet on over to Mickey D’s!”
“Buttpluggin’ for some fries, y’all!”
[...] Cheaper? Check. Renewable? Most definitely. Unbelievable stinky? You betcha. In the right places, this could work, and I’m all for it — until McDonald’s realizes its awful overpopulated feedlots make it the Iran of the cow shit industry. [...]