PunkAssBlog.com

I am terribly bored tonight, ramping down from a week that included starting an insane new internship (somebody ask me about what happens to adhesive joints when they’re exposed to water! Come on! Ask me about delamination, dammit! Beg for a lecture on chain scission! I spent three fucking hours reading about it) and a quantum physics exam, which I finished 10 minutes before everyone else, which in turn means I fucked something up somewhere. I suspect the professor had a bunch of landmines hidden in his notation.

So, I’ve been bopping about the internets, stalking Amanda, shopping for things I can’t afford to buy, thinking about cleaning my rancid kitchen, when I drift over to gmail and find another email from David D’Angelo. This one explains why women dress in sexy clothing to go out to bars. Here’s a taste:

Now that we’ve talked about a couple of the
underlying reasons why women go to great lengths
to make themselves more beautiful, I want to talk
about the one reason that has the most VALUE to
you…

This reason holds the secret of actually
ATTRACTING beautiful women.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves just
yet…

At the very CORE of human psychology and
behavior are the twin concepts of ATTENTION and
APPROVAL.

Some evolutionary theorists think that the
basic formula goes like this:

If you get more attention from others, and
those others like you more, then you and your
offspring are more likely to survive and pass on
your genes to future generations.

Is this making sense?

And a link, if you’d like to buy the power sexuality program.

But we’re not here to talk about David. We’re here to talk about gmail’s email ads, the ones that hover at the sides of your emails. Normally, I don’t see too many of these, since my emails don’t seem to trigger any keywords.

David’s, on the other hand…

From the audience that David is clearly targeting, you’d think the related ads would have a rather Newsmax ad feel to them. Something macho, you know, like fighting or making money or making money by fighting or making money by making women fight over you…in jello! Making jello money? The possibilities are endless.

But I guess gmail’s ad filter doesn’t like to work too hard. It saw the word “women” a whole bunch and “confidence” a few times and figured, hey, if women want confidence, let’s show them how.

Enter….UdefineU.

The UdefineU video program brings together top fashion and style consultants to share the essential elements of posture, poise, voice and speech, etiquette and style, to make the woman vibrant, modern and fully in control of her message to the world.

In just two hours (but four tapes, please, they can charge you more that way) you can learn:

How a woman moves and carries herself is directly related to the attention and respect she receives from others. Having proper posture and poise allows women to project confidence through positive body language. In this UdefineU video, you will learn key tips and tricks on how to project a graceful, more confident image, and to carry yourself properly at every moment. You will even look taller and thinner once you have mastered proper posture.

That takes about 28 minutes, by the way. And I tend to agree. Although I am by nature a shy, timid creature who avoids strife at all times, I have the unfortunate build and posture of a delicate pro football player. My extra pounds and masculine shoulders pretty much force me to take up a bunch of space, and some wierd muscle strain from sitting on my ass in front of the computer compells me to stand straight and tall, otherwise I hurt. The result, of course, is that people tend to see me as loud, manly, or bitchy, no matter how retiring or gentle I am in person. Well, the swearing, too. It’s probably a mix of posture and cursing. I guess I need the second tape:

Sensual voices that capture the imagination are created. You have a choice in how your voice sounds and how you speak. In order to become the complete woman you envision, you must focus on all the elements that comprise this picture….A woman’s voice is very representative of who she is. By controlling your voice and utilizing full expressive speech, you will get your points across succinctly and in the most feminine way possible without losing your identity.

(32 whole minutes!)
There are also tapes on etiquitte and the fundamentals of style. A quick glance at the testimonials reveals a dire need for a video on makeup application, and as soon as the fill that gaping hole in the program, I will be purchasing the program-at $100, I can hardly afford not to! Better yet, I’ll be an affiliate.

The other notable ad triggered by David’s email was that of a leather store called Leather Up, but since this is a classy blog, I’ll let that one slide.